Being Embarrassed by Things and Learning just to Move On

17. March 2009 by admin.

People with social anxiety are often embarrassed by the smallest things, the littlest mistakes or failures. I am no exception. When you publish on the internet and attach your real name to your opinions, this can be especially difficult. I wrote things 8-9 years ago that are preserved in some form for eternity..or at least a very long time. When I was 13 I won an essay contest and my essay is supposed to remain in a time capsule for 100 years. Who knows if that will really happen. I guess the main thing to take away is that I WON. Someone, actually a few individuals, were impressed by what I wrote. I would probably cringe if I read it today.

It’s not that I think I held any beliefs or have done any things in my life that were terrible or unforgivable. I guess I just dwell on the past. I think people will read things about me and think I am that person- a teenager or naive thinker, rather than the person I have become. I am proud that I have grown, and I always continue to think about life and better ways of being. I guess I just have no faith in the ability of others to see things that way.

I also really don’t like to revisit places or things that hold any bad memories. There are certain shows I can’t watch, music I can’t listen to, and places I can’t go. There are relatives I don’t talk to, and they are probably hurt by it. But I can’t escape the embarrassment of the person they thought I was or expected me to be.

I feel like someone is going to come up to me and say “Hey, didn’t you used to be Graham Couzens?” But that’s probably pretty arrogant on my part. In reality, no one really gives a fuck about Graham Couzens. That comes from all the praise I received when I was a kid, when people thought I was “smart”, when I wrote award winning essays, won art contests, won the Field Day free throw shooting competition, had the highest scores in Math League, etc. But that was a long time ago.

When I decided to write about social anxiety I knew I had to be open and use my real name. I knew that Graham Couzens would = Social Anxiety Disorder. I doubt anyone Googles “Graham Couzens.” But if they did, they would probably see a dysfunctional individual with minority political beliefs ( since I have the “extreme” stance of believing individuals > The State). Well, that’s me.

I read a lot about employers using Google and searching Facebook for dirt on job candidates. I guess at some point I might have to look for a job. I am probably pretty much unemployable anyway. So I probably shouldn’t worry about that. Since I have social anxiety I find some of the stories amusing. I hear about people who supposedly lose job offers because they have drunken pictures on Facebook or Myspace. Really? I find it hard to believe. I mean, I’ve been taught my whole life and observed that this is what “normal” people do. If people like to party ( not that I think there is anything wrong with that), I would think that would be a positive. They probably know how to “work well with others,” get along with the team, and so on. I think social anxiety has more of a stigma than substance abuse, violence, or being a lousy person. All that stuff is forgiveable if you say the right things, know how to play politics, and other superficial bullshit. If you have social anxiety, it doesn’t matter if you know what you are doing and get things done. People treat you like an idiot.

If I have to apply for a job and people hold my social anxiety against me, Fuck Them. I think that says more about that lousy person than it does about me.  I might feel embarrassed after writing this, but I doubt it.

I’ve been discriminated against because of my social anxiety. There is no doubt about it. I’ve been treated like shit, had business refused, turned down for shitty jobs below my skill level,etc. I don’t have a chip on my shoulder. I have a fucking boulder. I need to let that go. I shouldn’t be motivated by revenge or whatever you want to call it. I need to allow myself to just live.

Life is about growth. I talk about my social anxiety because I want to grow as an individual. I want to be happy and be a good person in spite of my flaws. I am an individual with strengths and weaknesses. I am constantly seeking out new information and knowledge, different viewpoints, and methods for dealing with life. If someone can’t appreciate that or only sees value in clones that fit some mold, Oh well.

Posted in social anxiety, General | 1 Comment »